New Year, New Vision

Some new year’s inspiration:

 

Create a vision of who you want to be, and then live into that picture as if it were already true

Who or what do you want to be?  Be daring, be bold with it but whatever you do, don’t play small with it.

The ABC’s of A New Year

Happy New Year’s to you all!!!!  The image is a generic list of words for anyone for the new year.   How about we personalize it?  Think of the new year and list as many words as you can that describe your thoughts, hopes, dreams, and goals for the new year.  You can leave any letter blank that you can’t come up with something for and fill it in as the year progresses.  Try it and let me know what you come up with.  Here’s mine:

Alertness

Budgeting

Creativity

Determination

Effectiveness/Efficiency

Focus

Good health

Habits

I

J

K

Language

M

Niche

O

P

Q

Restaurant

Sophistication

Time management

U

V

World-renowned

X

Y

Zeal

Ok this is all I have so far.

Additionally,  a wonderful fellow blogger stopped by and showed me some love but also posed a great question:

I love this post. I am still trying to get over a 5 year on and off relationship and I can say it is one of the most challenging things to do. I just read this post now and it really hit home with me. The guy I was seeing is now in a happy relationship and at first I hated him for it, I wanted him to be miserable with me. But then I took a step back and saw that I too can be that happy. It won’t be with him, but it will be with someone else.I have to ask you though, how were you able to disconnect yourself completely from him? I still every now and then “check up” on my ex (facebook, etc.) and I still can feel myself deep down missing him. Heartbreak sucks right?

So I figured I would devote an entire post to answering this question because, it’s worth that if not more.  I may revisit it at a later date and post because there is so much richness in this but I will just focus on the question asked.  And while I do not have all the answers, here goes nothing…

They say that misery loves company but in reality, misery loves miserable company.  I know that feeling all too well.  These are some of the steps I took to disconnect, in no particular order (ok maybe there is an order after all lol).

DISCONNECTING FROM YOUR EX IN 10 EASY STEPS*:

1. THERAPY.
2. THERAPY.                                                                                                                                                                                              No, all jokes aside.  Consult a professional if you need to.  Your friends and family may get tired of hearing about this and face it, 5 years of on and off again you have a lot of unpacking to do.  Why not pay a professional to hear you out and help you identify some patterns and set some goals with you.  It helps big time!!!
3. I changed my number.  This denied him access to me whenever he felt he may have wanted to say hi and prohibited me from contacting him because that would defeat the purpose of me paying a fee to change my number. 🙂
4. I deactivated my Facebook account.  No lie.  I couldn’t control myself either. But each time I “checked up” on him I was only hurting myself because I was seeing images of him and his wife and I had to ask myself why am I even doing this to myself!!
5. I threw away everything that reminded me of him.  Old tee-shirts he gave me, his old boxers I used to wear… you get the drift, closed our joint bank account.
6. I found some pride and ego within me. I told myself that I don’t want him to get the satisfaction of knowing that I still loved him and wanted him and still thought about him.  WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO??? HE’S A MARRIED MAN!!  This really helped me disconnect.  I wanted to prove to myself and to him that my life could be so much better without him.
7. Gave myself permission to move on and be happy.  I think a lot of time we tell ourselves by holding on we are showing how much we love that person and how much they meant to us but love for yourself is revealed in letting go, because you can’t move on until you let go.  I told myself it would be pathetic of me to waste any mental and emotional energy on a man who had obviously moved on with his life. I took a lesson from him.  He moved on (and quickly at that without considering me or how I felt) and why should he, he has to do what is best for him and his life.  I also have that right and responsibility.
8. I asked myself some tough questions. Is it really HIM you miss, or do you miss the company and the perks of a romantic RELATIONSHIP?
9. I focused on the reality of the situation.  I reminded myself of all the reasons our relationship didn’t work.  And the fact that he was MARRIED.  There is no turning back.  What good would me focusing any attention on him do?  We had our shot at an “us” and we blew it.  If it mattered and was successful and met both of our needs the way it was supposed to, we would have still been together.  The fact that we aren’t and it didn’t speaks volumes.
10. Find an activity partner.                                                                                                                                                        Seriously, find a member of the opposite sex that you can befriend.  Someone who you are not attracted so you don’t end up in a rebound situation and sleeping with someone to fill some type of void.  But someone whose company you enjoy and can do things with you, who you enjoy being around, makes you laugh and who enjoys your company as well.  This really helps big time.  It helps you relate to a male in a non romantic way and gives you a buddy you can talk to and it doesn’t even have to be anything heavy.  You don’t have to tell him all your business either.
11. And since therapy was listed twice.  Here is the 10th one.  Distraction  (blogging, exercising, belly dancing classes, work, etc.).  You need some activities to do to break up that thinking about your ex.  And begin creating a life for yourself that you look forward to and enjoy!

*What made this process a little easier for me is that my ex lived in another state so there was not this possibility of running into him anywhere thankfully.  But if you do share a state of residence, you may want to avoid places you know he frequents at least for a couple of months so you can build your emotional muscle.

Remember it is a process!!!!!!!!!  Progress is very rarely a linear process.  You have ups and you have downs but each down leaves you a little higher up than where you started.  Heart-break is what you make it!  It is a journey and hopefully one that leaves to a renewed sense of who you are, what you want in a relationship, what you deserve,what you have to offer and what areas you can improve about yourself.

Hope this helps!  If it doesn’t let me know.  😉

#25: Block His Number…

… or change yours.  And maybe just maybe, this should be the last cowardly act you commit before you decide to grow a pair and tell this person the truth, which can be any of the following:

1. Maybe you really don’t want to be with him and you are hoping he will break it off instead of you, so you are doing these things to drive him to that point (you are on the right track to accomplish that)
2. You are pushing him away because you have some twisted idea and concept that by in so doing, it will cause him to chase even harder after you (not bright)
3. It’s obvi that you are unhappy about SOMETHING and just don’t know how to express that, so you passively aggressively do things in the hopes that he will understand the feelings behind your actions… (not happening, he’s not physic or your therapist for that matter), so you are doing things that communicate that you are UNHAPPY WITH THE RELATIONSHIP ALTOGETHER (you are destroying your relationship)
4. You really do want this relationship but you don’t know how… to do it successfully (in that case you probably should not be in a relationship until you learn how).

WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH WHEN YOU PULL THIS MOVE:

1. Testing him to see how long it takes him to realize you did this?
2. Testing him to see if he will exhaust all other avenues to contact you (email, FB, Twitter. show up at your door step, etc…)
3. Prove… something?
4. Making your relationship… stronger somehow?
5. Limiting his freedom to access you when he wants to, causing him to realize how much he needs and wants you in his life?

WHAT YOU ACTUALLY END UP DOING WHEN YOU PULL THIS MOVE:

1. Wasting time doing research on how to block someone’s number or change yours
2. Wasting money on the whole process it takes to do either one of these
3. Communicating to him that you no longer want to communicate with him whether or not that is the case!
4. Embarrassing yourself, if in the end, you just give him the new number or unblock his number
5. He realizes how much more peaceful his life is, not communicating with you

And there you have it folks.  If you want to appear indecisive, not interested and ready to move on, then blocking his number or changing yours is the route to take.  But don’t make that turn if you plan on reversing.  That’s how accidents of relationships happen.

#24: Make Him Your World

Part of his wooooooorrrrrrrrlllllllddddd

Ladies and gentlemen, for this post let us briefly turn to Walt Disney and the classic Little Mermaid for this lesson in love.  What do we learn:

• Obsess over how you can become something other than what you are (Ariel longing desperately to be human)
• Obsess over how you can make yourself apart of someone else’s world and life
• Do whatever you need to do to make that happen
• This includes ignoring the warnings of close friends and family
• Give up any and everything to fit into his world (lose bras, I mean fins, voice, etc just for a pair of “legs” for a man)
• Turn your back on family and whoever else does not support your decision to make this man your world
• No seagull, fish and lobster are going to come to your rescue when the man you lost and gave up everything for is mesmerized by some other woman who can do what you can’t…. take that to mean whatever you want but if we’re talking about Ariel it was sing…  These days it’s… well you get the picture.
• And when you get yourself into trouble, go right back to those very people and depend on them to bail you out of trouble
• Things in real life don’t ever end “happily ever after”.

So there you have it folks, making him your world & making yourself apart of his world 101 from The Little Mermaid.  Bound!! [Kayne West style].

Making a man your world, your everything is one of the fastest ways to an enduring, fulfilling relationship; especially at it’s inception.  That’s when we are the most inclined to do this because it’s fresh and we want it to last and this is the best way to do that.

Find a way to trade in everything that makes you you and distinguishes you and your interests and values from his.  You want to blur the lines between his world and life and yours.

You can accomplish this in four easy steps:

1.  Make yourself available 100% of the time.  Don’t make plans with any one else.  In fact cancel all plans and arrangements you made months earlier.  You need to be at his beck and call.

2.  Get rid of all of your friends.  Yup, just stop calling them, stop spending time with them.  Say no when they invite you places.  You want to free up all your mental energy and time with thoughts of him and him, only.  Social life?  Who needs that when you have a man!  Hello!

3.  Make sure everything revolves around him:  your hair appointments, dentist visits, laundry.  Do these essential things only when you know:

• a) he will be at work
• b) he made other plans with the friends he didn’t get rid of for you
• c) he is sick and can’t spend time with you
• d) he is pretending to be sick so that he doesn’t have to spend time with you.

4.  Final step:  expect him to make him your world too and then argue with him when he refuses.  Why should he be allowed to refuse to give up his martial arts training.  The nerve of him to try to derive some similitude of happiness, joy and recreation outside of being with and spending time with you!

Making him your world is THE SINGLE MOST romantic, sexy, endearing, non-desperate, non-thirsty, non-smoothering thing you can do for you, your man, and the future of your relationship.

Two Scoops of Goodness

…or three or four….   What I’d like to call combining several random separate blog posts into one extra long post.  If you haven’t noticed I have been away for a looooooong time.  I have a lot of catching up to do.  I feel I owed my fans a double whammy as a result.  So you will get my apology for staying away so long, some cool lists and a blog themed post.  I know, I know, you are thrilled.  Don’t worry you don’t even have to contain your enthusiasm.   🙂  Special shout out to Dax over at Hi, My Name is Dax… and I’m a Dateaholic for unintentionally calling me out of retirement with his post Not Going Into Retirement.    When I read this, I knew I had to get back in the game.  Had I had any sports knowledge I would have displayed that expertise and brilliance here, instead a picture of some athlete (who I don’t even know) who looks like he is waiting to get back into the game (of a sport I am also even unaware of although the bull makes me think basketball) will suffice.

Reasons for Unintentional Retirement:

1. Work:  This takes up 80% of my time and life right now.  Which I am not complaining about.  I love what I do.

2. School:  This also takes up 80% of my time.  With reading 500 page books and writing 500 paged papers.   Oh my I can hardly wait until this part of my life is over.

3. Social Life:  20% of my time is spent trying to have some semblance of a social life.  Which I have become more successful at as of late because I found an “activity partner”.  Someone suggested this to me and I scoffed at the idea and concept because as an adult the only activity people are looking to do is….  well, I actually found someone who is willing with the no time we have left, to just hang out platonically which is cool.

If you notice my percentages are grossly off.  Of this I am fully aware.  Needless to say, time to blog and keep up with all of you… 0%.

On another note, ‘Yonce and her new album… loving it.  My top three tracks are (in no particular order)…..

1. Rocket Love  (fav line:  I do it like it’s my profession)

2.  Mine (fav line:  stop making big deals out little things)

3.  Jealous (fav line:  that ain’t nothing, I’m just jealous, I’m just human)

Speaking of what makes one human, this thought came to me:  Who are you at your best and worse?  And the infamous Marilyn Monroe quote inevitably came to mind:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

Made me want to create my own.

At my best I am/can be:

1.  Giving:  I really love sharing things with people:  my time, my cooking, my things, gifts (when it is not grossly inconvenient and/or being taken advantage of or unappreciated) and I do for the most part enjoy making other people happy.   I don’t keep score with how much I have given, or who’s turn it is to give either

2.  Loving:  When I love, I love deeply and basically there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.  Supportive, encouraging, understanding… all that good stuff

3.  Creative:  It’s a mode I wish I operated in more but creativity is basically life.  It gives you this fire and passion and new perspective and drives one to accomplish great things

At my worse I am/ can be:

1.  Unforgiving:  Especially when I’m wounded or hurt by you, aww man

2.  Stubborn:  There aren’t very many things I am dead set on, and for that reason I am pretty flexible, but the few things I am adamant about… watch out

3.  Moody:  I dislike this most of all.  Hunger, fatigue, and that time of the month can off set a very bad mood and it’s one of the most unpleasant things

I’d be interested what things come up for you guys! Feel free to comment with it, or create a new post and just tag me in it.   I guess the things that make your “At Your Best” list are the things you want to explore more in the new year, how do you get there, stay there and live there.  Your “At Your Worse” list are the things you work on, recognizing your triggers and managing them.

And lastly, my sis sent me this cool thing that I ‘ll post for you guys.  What are the first three words you see?

The first three words you see, will be what you have in the new year

 

My three words for the new year:  Freedom, intelligence and money!!!  Happy New Year’s Guys!!!

#23: Be a Drama Queen

And by drama queen I mean, one who:

• Makes a big deal out of every little thing
• Is governed and ruled by her emotions
• Has to be the center of attention
• Is spoiled and has to have her way… or else
• Has a problem with every thing and every one
• Is or thinks one should be “turnt up” on a regular basis

These all the top qualities that a man looks for in a woman by the way.  These attributes make a women attractive, admirable, and wanted!!!

What more would a man want to do than to spend the rest of his life with a woman who has consistently proven that mountains must be made out of every molehill or else the world is just flat!

Men will gladly sign up for the headaches, high blood pressure, extreme highs and lows and the sheer fatigue that comes along with a woman who is  just dramatic to the bone.

Another mark of a drama queen is that she is usually highly involved in other people’s business and has lots of opinions about them and always thinks everyone is in her business.   Oh yes, I forgot to mention being consumed with other people’s lives and obsessed with image and the opinions of others is the route everyone takes who wants to have success in love and relationships.

And people say drama queen is a term used to glamorize and sugar coat someone who is emotionally immature, potentially unstable and who lacks discipline.

Pfffffft.  They better not be talking about me either because if they are, there is going to be a problem!!!!  Like, who are “they” anyway.   “They” need to mind their business.

#22: Be Jealous

Of every woman on the face of the earth.

The ones he works with.

The ones that walk by you two as you are out and about.

The ones that have been his friends for years.

The ones in movies and his favorite TV shows.

The ones he doesn’t even notice, but will once you point them out and start an argument with him about how he was starring at her.

If she is a female, you should assume he may at some point take some type of interest in her.

If you didn’t know, jealousy is one of the most attractive qualities a woman can exhibit.

And what’s even more attractive is if you express these jealous thoughts and feelings regularly.

Question him about all of your suspicions.  And do this daily.  Hourly would be ideal though.

Accuse him of looking at other women, of fantasizing about other women, and checking them out on social media websites,

Put restrictions on who he can talk to and who he can’t.

Who he can talk to = only men.

Who he can’t talk to = every woman.

When he scans the room to make sure everything is okay and that you guys are safe, accuse him of looking at and checking other women out.

When he turns his head as you walk down the street to make sure you guys are not about to get hit by a car, smack him up side the head for eye-ing another woman.

Turn every wonderful outing you have into a nightmare because the only place you expect his eyes to be, no matter what you do, is to be glued to you and only you.

This is realistic and completely understandable.

Disregard the fact that men are visual creatures by nature and CAN’T HELP but see attractive women as they wonder through life.  But instead, assume that he thinks every attractive woman he sees is more beautiful than you and that every woman that crosses his path (attractive or not) makes him stop loving you and makes him want to leave you (for them).

Happy successful relationship.

Here. You. Come.

Blog Identify Crisis

As you all know, this blog was started as a result of… well you can read about it here.

With me starting to work again at the top of the month, in addition to taking some Master’s classes, let’s just say the frequency with which I can post has, well, declined significantly.

I truly miss you all.

And as if that were not enough to complicate this blogging thing, my perspectives, focus, and considerations have changed considerably.  Which I am ecstatic, grateful and overjoyed about.

I honestly didn’t think I could be happy without my ex and that I would never love again.  I thought I couldn’t find happiness knowing he had moved on, and so suddenly at that.   I remember contacting him after finding out he had got married to congratulate him (oh I forgot to post that post huh?  my bad :-D).  He responded by telling me he hoped I was happy.  I remember wondering, how can I be happy when you just got married?  But I can say that at this point in my life his dealings are no longer a consideration of mine.  I really don’t even want to be identified with any thing him related nor do I want to talk about or even reference him.  There is ZERO animosity, hatred, bitterness, etc.  I just understand that I still have so much life left to live and that a life without him can also equal a life that was even better than the life I had when I was with him.  I don’t spend too much time looking back anymore and the sadness that used to consume me when I did, no longer does.

While I started this blog under the premise that I was mostly responsible for the “failure” of my last relationship, I was intent on correcting all my wrongs, in the hopes that… what?  I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again?  And there is merit to that.  I am a whole lot more cautious about how I approach relationships.  I understand that it all starts in your head- how you think about relationships and yourself.  I don’t see things falling apart as SOLELY my fault now.  Just something that happens when you are with someone you shouldn’t be with.  Things fall apart when they aren’t strong enough to last.  Things break so you can buy new things.  Even better things.  Relationships are no different.

Yet now I’m confused.

While I still have loads of content to contribute to the theme of the blog (more content than I have time to get to now), I would prefer to write about other things.  Still relationship related.  Just not “my ex” related.  Taking the advice of Oldmoaner52 (which you can read here) and writing to a more hopeful future, one that is filled with happiness (whether I’m in a relationship or not) and then also charting any new developments for me in this area of love.  <— Never thought I’d say that!!! Oh my!!!

Where do broken hearts go?  They are restored.  They heal.  They are rejuvenated.  They learn to love again.

Healing from a broken heart is a real place.  It is attainable.  And it is a wonderful feeling!

Stay tuned.

#21: Get Advice From the Wrong People

I do everything listed in How To Ruin a Relationship!!!

There’s no such thing as the wrong people to get advice from.  Especially when it comes to relationships.  Every one is a pro.  And since that is the case, do not be intentional about who you seek out relationship advice from.  Anyone will do.  Disregard expressions such as:  if you want what they have, do what they do.  Don’t bother to seek out people who have had success in love and relationships to ask advice of.  Who cares about their “love track record”.  Instead consider these prerequisites before proceeding to get love lessons from someone.

Checklist of qualities you should look for in people you actively seek out relationship advice from:

• People who are single and haven’t had a relationship in a long time
• People who hate/distrust men
• People who subscribe to the theory that all men are the same or better yet all men are dogs
• People who are miserable and view the glass as half empty with a broken glass that’s leaking
• People who are jaded and don’t believe in love
• People who have lost faith in relationships
• People who tell you what you should do (yet they themselves don’t do it)
• People who are secretly hating on you because you are boo-ed up and they aren’t so that all the relationship advice they give you begins and ends with:  you need to leave him girl
• Those people who are miserable and single and want miserable, single company
• People who do not challenge you
• People who always take your side (even when you are wrong)

Ideally you want to keep all things relationship between the two people involved in the relationship, however, things do come up that you may need advice about.  And when that does occur continue to get advice from people whom you have listened to before and didn’t get positive results from.  The above list is the way to go.  Any one even remotely alluding to compromising, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, or that you could stand to make some changes about your approach, should be avoided at all costs.

Versatile Blogger Award, I Could Cry

So……

Had I just not posted an entry about crying, I would do just that but….  considering that I just did……

I think I’ll just say thank you soooooooo much!!!

Audrey dearest over at Like Crazy, thank you so much again for your kindness and thinking enough of me to include me in on this one as well.  You rock!

Here are the rules:

Display the Award Certificate on your blog.
Announce your win with a post. Make sure you post a link back to me as a ‘thank you’ for the nomination.
Present 15 awards to 15 deserving bloggers.
Leave them a comment to let them know after you have linked them to a post.
Post 7 interesting things about yourself.

Seven “Interesting” Things about Me:

1. While I don’t sing nearly as often as I used to, I have sang the National Anthem at two hockey games before
2. I tried out for America’s Next Top Model when they did 5′ 7” and under and made it though to the second round!
3. I believe that fashion sense is a sixth sense (one that I could use a whole lot more of, hence my appreciation for those of you with fashion blogs and why I find Project Runway intriguing).
4. While my mother is Puerto Rican (and my dad is African American) people usually just take me to be a light skinned black girl and my lack of knowledge of the Spanish language does not help at all
5. I have driven a total of 15 hours straight by myself and crossed from one time zone in the US to another
6. I have been blogging for 5 years and have had two other blogs before this one
7. I have yet to travel outside of the continental U.S.

My Nominees (Yay now I can nominate people who I love with potentially more than 200 followers):

1. Nikkyslovecorner
2. Truth’s Unveiling
3. College Thrive
4. 30 dates by 30
5. Social Life With Jewel
6. Style Me B.A.D.
7. Hello Beautiful
8. The Better Man Project
9. Still Learning to Be
10. Almost 30-Something
11. Confessions of a Love Addict
12. BDevereaux
13. Kate Styled Pretty
14. Sex and the Cincy
15. Lady Romp

What a way to wrap up the month!  Thank you guys for all your support and loyalty and comments and likes and nominations.  It truly means the absolute world to me!!!!