Tag Archives: immaturity

#22: Be Jealous

3 Oct

Of every woman on the face of the earth.

The ones he works with.jealousy

The ones that walk by you two as you are out and about.

The ones that have been his friends for years.

The ones in movies and his favorite TV shows.

The ones he doesn’t even notice, but will once you point them out and start an argument with him about how he was starring at her.

If she is a female, you should assume he may at some point take some type of interest in her.

If you didn’t know, jealousy is one of the most attractive qualities a woman can exhibit.

And what’s even more attractive is if you express these jealous thoughts and feelings regularly.

Question him about all of your suspicions.  And do this daily.  Hourly would be ideal though.

Accuse him of looking at other women, of fantasizing about other women, and checking them out on social media websites,

Put restrictions on who he can talk to and who he can’t.

Who he can talk to = only men.

Who he can’t talk to = every woman.

When he scans the room to make sure everything is okay and that you guys are safe, accuse him of looking at and checking other women out.

When he turns his head as you walk down the street to make sure you guys are not about to get hit by a car, smack him up side the head for eye-ing another woman.

Turn every wonderful outing you have into a nightmare because the only place you expect his eyes to be, no matter what you do, is to be glued to you and only you.

This is realistic and completely understandable.

Disregard the fact that men are visual creatures by nature and CAN’T HELP but see attractive women as they wonder through life.  But instead, assume that he thinks every attractive woman he sees is more beautiful than you and that every woman that crosses his path (attractive or not) makes him stop loving you and makes him want to leave you (for them).

Happy successful relationship.

Here. You. Come.

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#11: Bad Mouth Him

29 Jul
bad mouth

Did you just say I’m pissing myself off?!
The nerve of you.

For any and every little thing he does…  and doesn’t do.

Best if done behind his back.   It makes things so much more wonderfully uncomfortable when you two decide to have get together’s with all the people you painted him as a monster to.

Bad mouth him in your own head, under your breath, out-loud, with friends, family, co-workers, strangers at the coffee shop or bar. Just about anyone who will listen. After all he is low down and dirty and should not have done what he did, said what he said, acted the way he did.  And it’s your job to single-handedly tell the whole world.  So much for just keeping things between the two of you.   Pffft.  Who does that?!

Just piss yourself off all over again and everyone around you by recollecting his latest mistakes and wrongs.

This is sure to do wonders for the good feelings you have toward him.  It should just add to your appreciation for him for all the times he tried, tires, continues to try and all the things he does “right”.  Those do exist don’t they?  But who wants to talk about that when you can just focus on the bad stuff.  That’s infinitely more entertaining isn’t it?

You should even start to keep a list of all the things he did to piss you off, carry it around so that as soon as you spot someone who is willing to listen or another group of women bad mouthing their men,  just pull it out and start going down the list.  Check em off as you go, underline the ones you need to continually revisit.

Organize outings with your friends specifically designed to trash him because he got you upset.  And then get angry with them when they ask why  you even bother to stay with him if he is so terrible.

The objective is, to get things off your chest because what else do you do with all the anger you are feeling than to gain support from other women who will take your side.

Who cares that you will leave behind a trail of people who hate him because they “see how much he hurts you” when you decide that you are “on again”.

Another great strategy ladies because bad mouthing him behind his back helps you and everyone you talk to fall infinitely more in love with him!

#9: Ignore His Phone Calls

26 Jul
ignore

We don’t actually do this 😉

The perfect follow-up to Hanging Up On Him.

This one-two combo always works best when used in conjunction with each other.

Especially considering the fact that after you have hung up on him, sometimes he has continued talking a good 15 minutes without even realizing you were no longer on the other end.

He’s calling back to find out if you really just went there.

And of course the most helpful thing to do in that case?  Ignore.

In fact, you can accomplish the ignore call tactic in one of four ways, depending on what you are going for:

  1. Hit the reject button (aka send him to voice mail)
  2. Let it just keep ringing as you look down at your phone while choosing from any of these options (crying, cursing him out, or smirking because you know you are pissing him off even more).
  3. Turn your phone completely off
  4. Enable the call option of sending only his number to voice mail

Let the games begin.

Ignoring calls can also be an independent action.  Maybe he did something to piss you off two days ago?  Perfect payback:  Ignore his calls.

Because ignoring his calls is a form of communication.  Hello!!!!

It communicates that he messed up somehow.  And even if he was trying to resolve it, we wouldn’t know because we aren’t taking his calls.
This is sure to do wonders in resolving your issues and if not, who cares, it’s a perfect way to make you feel better by getting back at him, attempting to hurt his feelings… all things found on the list of how improve relationships!

Their response:  Simple.

Don’t call you anymore.

Or call someone who will answer.

There you have it ladies:  ruining relationships one unanswered call at a time.

#7: Be “On Again” and then “Off Again”…

24 Jul

And then on againonoff.

And off again.

Every other week.
No, even better, every other day.  And if you can’t go a couple of hours without a change in your relationship status, I mean you are really just doing superbly.

One minute you two are doing well, the next minute, not so much.  Try pulling this one regularly especially if  you are involved in a long distance relationship.

And did I mention this is the very best way to have a relationship? The instability of it all does wonders to counteract the monotony of it all.  Wouldn’t you agree?  The indecisiveness is sure to get that adrenalin pumping.  This is exactly the type of inconsistency that is needed to create a healthy and productive relationship.

When you’re “on” make plans with him and tell him to write important dates and events in his planner to do with you and then a couple minutes later when you decide you want to be “off” again, tell him to forget it.  Scratch that.  Forget you asked.

After all, who doesn’t love a good roller coaster ride?  Why not model your relationship after one!  Who cares that people get sick on and of those things, get nauseous.  Let the roller coaster ride of relationships begin and persist.

Sitcoms?

Dramas anyone?

Why not make your relationship the star of one.

Blur the lines of your coupledom so much so that you don’t even know if you are on the “on again” or “off again” day.  Allow this to cause so much confusion so that the only Facebook status that will suffice to sum up your relationship is:  It’s Complicated.  And so that when all your friends see you together they scratch their heads thinking:  I thought they were broken up.

But just watch out because any rubber-band stretched too far will eventually pop.

Any light switch tampered with excessively for the fun of it, is sure to result in a blown fuse.

But relationships?  People and their emotions?  Ah, just keep pushing the limits, pushing buttons.  They’ll just last forever no matter what- they are unbreakable.

#6: Call His Mama*

23 Jul

And I don’t mean, call her names either (but come to think of it, why not add that to the list as well).   Oh no but we are past that stage in our lives of insulting people’s mother’s (never mind, I forgot).  We are mature adults here.

C’mon.

But I mean, call his mom… to complain about him.telling

Or basically to tell on him.

Because clearly she needs to know how wrong he is.  You know what, it doesn’t even matter if she is like recovering from some type of surgery either.  Instead of calling to check up on her, this is the perfect time to try and gain some support for your position.

He won’t listen to you, he won’t change, time to get mom dukes involved.

Air out all his dirty laundry while maintaining that you are only trying to give it a good cleaning.

Because certainly she’s going to take your side.  She’s going to agree with you and your perspective and she’s just going to love you for bad mouthing her son to her.

When all else fails, get his mother involved.

Who needs to handle their own relationship problems without getting moms involved to mediate anyway?

And by virtue of her also being a woman, look forward to her siding with you.  She’s going to see where you are coming from and see just how wrong her son and his behavior is and she’s going to give him a good talking to and it will fix the communication issues you are having in your relationship.

And don’t stop there, while you are calling mama’s, call your mama, everybody and their mama’s too.

The more mamas, the merrier.

That will put an end to his shenanigans.  And your relationship (if not with him, than definitely) with her.

(*Disclaimer:  In my defense so far this is just about the only dumb thing I have  not actually done but serious time and consideration was put into the thought.  Could you tell?  (-:)