Archive | July, 2013

#12: Refuse to Be Happy

31 Jul
Not good enough!

Not good enough!

With everything he does.

If he takes you out for dinner and a movie… be upset with him for not topping it off with flowers. 

If he cooks you breakfast, be upset that he spilled pancake batter all over the counter and didn’t clean it up and the fact that he did not do the dishes, also.

And if he does decide to clean up around the house, white glove test it ladies.  Complain about the spots he missed.

If he buys you a doughnut, look at the hole in the center and complain that there is a piece of doughnut missing.  Focus on the hole and disregard the doughnutty goodness surrounding the hole.  Do this with everything he does.

After all, he is supposed to be jumping through rings of fire for us ladies if we ask him too.  And after he does complain that he smells like smoke!

Become impossible to please.

Inspect everything, expect perfection and always look for the downfall and then keep demanding more.

Because the goal is ladies that one day he will get it 100% correct.  That he will just keep trying to please us and finally get our stamp of approval.

You have a better chance at achieving this objective by refusing to be happy as opposed to acknowledging and appreciating his efforts.

Chances are once he’s sick and tired of this and leaves you, you still won’t be happy.

There’s a small possibility that, maybe just maybe, happiness needs to start within.  Or that it’s all his fault….

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#11: Bad Mouth Him

29 Jul
bad mouth

Did you just say I’m pissing myself off?!
The nerve of you.

For any and every little thing he does…  and doesn’t do.

Best if done behind his back.   It makes things so much more wonderfully uncomfortable when you two decide to have get together’s with all the people you painted him as a monster to.

Bad mouth him in your own head, under your breath, out-loud, with friends, family, co-workers, strangers at the coffee shop or bar. Just about anyone who will listen. After all he is low down and dirty and should not have done what he did, said what he said, acted the way he did.  And it’s your job to single-handedly tell the whole world.  So much for just keeping things between the two of you.   Pffft.  Who does that?!

Just piss yourself off all over again and everyone around you by recollecting his latest mistakes and wrongs.

This is sure to do wonders for the good feelings you have toward him.  It should just add to your appreciation for him for all the times he tried, tires, continues to try and all the things he does “right”.  Those do exist don’t they?  But who wants to talk about that when you can just focus on the bad stuff.  That’s infinitely more entertaining isn’t it?

You should even start to keep a list of all the things he did to piss you off, carry it around so that as soon as you spot someone who is willing to listen or another group of women bad mouthing their men,  just pull it out and start going down the list.  Check em off as you go, underline the ones you need to continually revisit.

Organize outings with your friends specifically designed to trash him because he got you upset.  And then get angry with them when they ask why  you even bother to stay with him if he is so terrible.

The objective is, to get things off your chest because what else do you do with all the anger you are feeling than to gain support from other women who will take your side.

Who cares that you will leave behind a trail of people who hate him because they “see how much he hurts you” when you decide that you are “on again”.

Another great strategy ladies because bad mouthing him behind his back helps you and everyone you talk to fall infinitely more in love with him!

The Idea of Being “Forever Alone”

29 Jul

I just had to share this! I’m sure you will enjoy it as much as I did…

Creative Writing is fun, right?

In recent years since the creation of this meme, people have taken the liberty of using it to describe the summation of their entire dating life (even the parts that haven’t happened yet). I am here to call bullshit on that entire trend!

If you aren’t in your 70s (or older) and haven’t ever been in a romantic relationship with ANYONE, you are not forever alone. If you’re not on your deathbed at this very moment in time and have never been in a relationship with anyone, you do not get to say that you’re forever alone.

The people who mostly say this are between the ages of 13 and 29 (huge age range!), and are now really getting into the world of dating. Dating is a trial and error thing, as I’ve stated in a previous post, with lots of errors. You’re not always going to be in a…

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#10: Be Selfish

27 Jul

mineAh yes.  The top three ingredients in the recipe book on how to make wonderful relationships:  me, myself, and mine.

What’s that you say, think about what you can do for him?  Ha! No, no, you have it all wrong.

What’s even more important and beneficial than that type of thinking:  what he can do for you!

Even Bruno Mars said it:

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways…

Now those, those are worth singing about!  Everyone loves to be around a person who’s world revolves around them.  Being in a relationship with one, even more delightful.  It is just so comforting to know that you are with someone whose world revolves around them and that they require yours to, too.  Immaturity at it’s finest.

Don’t you think he just loves the fact that by you being selfish you can’t push your self aside long enough to care about anyone else but you?  And then you turn around and call him selfish.  Classic.

Here’s a thought.  How about you create a list of all the things YOU want, YOU need, YOU would like and bring that into your relationship.  Oh look at that, things you felt you wanted and needed at age 5?  Refuse to remove them from your list too.  PERFECT!  Keep adding more and more things.  They don’t even have to be realistic.   Make sure that the only thing that is ever taken into account is YOU and YOUR FEELINGS.  You know what would be even better, if you don’t even let him in on this list.  Just start demanding them from him as if he is supposed to know.

Sacrifice?

Compromise?

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

That’s his job.  He’s the man after all.  He shouldn’t have needs.  He exists to meet yours.  That’s how it’s supposed to work right?

Think only of yourself.  How you feel and let every one of your actions and words stem from that.  You are all that matters and if he can’t see that, hmmph than maybe you need to leave him and find someone else who can get with YOUR program.

Good luck with that one.

#9: Ignore His Phone Calls

26 Jul
ignore

We don’t actually do this 😉

The perfect follow-up to Hanging Up On Him.

This one-two combo always works best when used in conjunction with each other.

Especially considering the fact that after you have hung up on him, sometimes he has continued talking a good 15 minutes without even realizing you were no longer on the other end.

He’s calling back to find out if you really just went there.

And of course the most helpful thing to do in that case?  Ignore.

In fact, you can accomplish the ignore call tactic in one of four ways, depending on what you are going for:

  1. Hit the reject button (aka send him to voice mail)
  2. Let it just keep ringing as you look down at your phone while choosing from any of these options (crying, cursing him out, or smirking because you know you are pissing him off even more).
  3. Turn your phone completely off
  4. Enable the call option of sending only his number to voice mail

Let the games begin.

Ignoring calls can also be an independent action.  Maybe he did something to piss you off two days ago?  Perfect payback:  Ignore his calls.

Because ignoring his calls is a form of communication.  Hello!!!!

It communicates that he messed up somehow.  And even if he was trying to resolve it, we wouldn’t know because we aren’t taking his calls.
This is sure to do wonders in resolving your issues and if not, who cares, it’s a perfect way to make you feel better by getting back at him, attempting to hurt his feelings… all things found on the list of how improve relationships!

Their response:  Simple.

Don’t call you anymore.

Or call someone who will answer.

There you have it ladies:  ruining relationships one unanswered call at a time.

#8: Hang Up on Him

25 Jul

Best if done mid-sentence, unsuspectingly and frequently.

I just love this photo.  You probably should aim to look just like this before you hang up.

[I just love this photo] You probably should aim to look just like this before you hang up.

Try to do this sometimes at the outset of your conversation just to throw him off.  Yunno as soon as he says hello after you pick up the phone, especially if you are mad at him.

This is the perfect way to smack him in the face without actually touching him.

In order to do this correctly, it should be done:

  1. Right in the middle of an argument
  2. When he is speaking and expressing his point of view
  3. When you don’t like what he is saying
  4. Angrily
  5. With the intentions of getting him even more upset
  6. And if you are going for the gold star:  hurling insults, yelling and cursing at him first

What we hope this will get us:

  1. Even!
  2. Peace!
  3. Resolutions!
  4. Respect!
  5. An apology!
  6. Warm, fuzzy, loving feelings!
  7. Attention!
  8. A call back!
  9. The “upper hand”!

What we didn’t know it would actually get us (ooooppppps didn’t see this coming):

  1. The same treatment
  2. A new norm in the (phone) treatment of each other (it is now fair game to do this all the time, at any time)
  3. A relationship… one phone call away from being a permanent dial tone

[Looking for a similar read?  Check out:  Dial Tones for Late Night Phone Calls]

#7: Be “On Again” and then “Off Again”…

24 Jul

And then on againonoff.

And off again.

Every other week.
No, even better, every other day.  And if you can’t go a couple of hours without a change in your relationship status, I mean you are really just doing superbly.

One minute you two are doing well, the next minute, not so much.  Try pulling this one regularly especially if  you are involved in a long distance relationship.

And did I mention this is the very best way to have a relationship? The instability of it all does wonders to counteract the monotony of it all.  Wouldn’t you agree?  The indecisiveness is sure to get that adrenalin pumping.  This is exactly the type of inconsistency that is needed to create a healthy and productive relationship.

When you’re “on” make plans with him and tell him to write important dates and events in his planner to do with you and then a couple minutes later when you decide you want to be “off” again, tell him to forget it.  Scratch that.  Forget you asked.

After all, who doesn’t love a good roller coaster ride?  Why not model your relationship after one!  Who cares that people get sick on and of those things, get nauseous.  Let the roller coaster ride of relationships begin and persist.

Sitcoms?

Dramas anyone?

Why not make your relationship the star of one.

Blur the lines of your coupledom so much so that you don’t even know if you are on the “on again” or “off again” day.  Allow this to cause so much confusion so that the only Facebook status that will suffice to sum up your relationship is:  It’s Complicated.  And so that when all your friends see you together they scratch their heads thinking:  I thought they were broken up.

But just watch out because any rubber-band stretched too far will eventually pop.

Any light switch tampered with excessively for the fun of it, is sure to result in a blown fuse.

But relationships?  People and their emotions?  Ah, just keep pushing the limits, pushing buttons.  They’ll just last forever no matter what- they are unbreakable.